Why am I so sad? I have a wonderful child, I’m succeeding in school, I have a handful of really wonderful friends. My son is healthy. I am healthy. I have a warm place to lay my head. Most of the time I have faith that there is something or someone bigger than me out there. Sure. I’m stressed as all get out, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I know the stress of school is temporary.
Why am I wracked with self-doubt? I have had friends remark about how I am always me- and I don’t make excuses for who I am. I can’t help but wonder if I am just so accustomed to being the person that I think others want to see- that this is not really me. That barely makes any sense, but these are things I think about.
I also think about good friends from that past that I have lost touch with. Was is my fault? Could I have done something more to keep those friends in my life? Am I a good friend? Am I a good mother?
When it comes to relationships, do I just project my issues onto the man I’m with and use those issues as an excuse to break up? Anais Nin says, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” What can I do to open my eyes and see things without the veil of my issues? Am I sub-consciously sabotaging my relationships before they even have a chance to get started?
Why do I let this loneliness sweep over me and hold me captive? Today I could not shake the melancholy. Today I wallowed in the loneliness that is palpable. I hate this side of me.
Why am I so irrational? Two dates with the same guy got cancelled this weekend on account of him having to go out of town for work. I cried a little. Looking forward to seeing him all week made it seem devastating. I KNOW it is out of his control. And I KNOW that is silly. But I still got upset like a little girl who was not getting her way. How am I going to share this side of myself with him? Will it send him running? Does he really like me?
This is ridiculous. I am too hard on myself. I expect perfection in way too many parts of my life and in reality I am setting myself up for disappointment…in myself.
Sometimes I feel too deeply. Sometimes I think I’m too shallow. I strive for balance. For peace. For a calm that my soul has never really known. And now I’m off to cry what will hopefully be a good, cleansing cry. A cry that has no real legitimate reason, but needs to happen nonetheless. I don’t like days like today. Tomorrow will be better, brighter. It has to be.
You know that catchy tune by Hot Chelle Rae, “Tonight, Tonight?” Here are a portion of the lyrics:
“We’re going at it tonight tonight
There’s a party on the rooftop top of the world”
I just overheard Ethan singing similar lyrics to that tune:
“We’re going at it tonight tonight, There’s a party on the effed up top of the world”
I’m almost tempted to correct him…but I kind of like his lyrics better!
Let’s take a moment and moan and wail about the fact that ma baby is in 1st grade! This summer went WAY too fast, and I didn’t get to do half the things with him that I wanted to….and he’s in 1st grade….WAAAHHHHAAHAHHAH…
A few weeks ago, I was on the brink of breaking up with the guy I’ve been dating for a few months. He began exhibiting behavior I have seen on far too many occasions: he stopped texting me/ returning my texts (he’s not a big texter to start with), he stopped returning phone calls or calling me in general, and any communication I had with him felt distant. I hope it doesn’t sound like I text/ call constantly- I don’t. I don’t have time for that. In general, I’ll text in the morning and evening and call every couple of days or so. In a perfect world, we would talk more- but we are both incredibly busy. In 3 weeks I saw him once, he returned 2 of my texts and no phone calls. I was pissed. Mostly because this pattern seems to repeat itself with every guy I date and I was fed up. If I’m with someone and they decide I’m not for them? Just fucking tell me. And I was sad, because I really like this guy and could fall in love in a heartbeat if I let myself.
I texted him something to the effect of “I hope you’re not dead or in the hospital, because then I’d feel pretty bad for being pissed that you’ve ignored me for the last 2 weeks.” He called 5 minutes later and I laid it out for him. I explained that I really like him and want to know him better, BUT that requires communication. I emphasized that I understood that he worked hard and that is one of his qualities that I like best- but it doesn’t take much to send a text or to call on your commute (that’s why you have bluetooth, isn’t it??). SO. I asked if he thought I was really asking too much- and it’s usually at this point that the guy I’m with basically says, “yup. that’s too much. I’m out.” But Jon apologized and said he’d try a bit harder. Turns out he had been working 12 hour shifts (7pm- 7am), 6 days a week for those 2 weeks (and that’s when I felt like a bitch because the man was just tired and here I am whining about wanting to talk more).
We’re doing alright I guess- I still wish we could talk more, but for now it’ll do. Although it’s been 3 months and I have no idea where I stand and we are still not officially “boyfriend/girlfriend”…this is why I haven’t let myself fall in love…
And then last week an old boyfriend reappeared and confessed that he’s compared every girl he’s dated since me TO me, and that while he doesn’t want a relationship, per se, he would like to be in a committed, exclusive, friends with benefits situation with me. “What the fuck does that even mean??” is what I asked him when he suggested it. He explained that he doesn’t want me to think what we’d have is going to lead to marriage/children/house in suburbia/etc. The thing is? Even though this guy is 7 types of wrong for me, we have amazing chemistry (in and out of the bedroom), we have the best conversation I’ve EVER had (from a lover or a friend), and when we’re not in actual conversation mode- the banter alone is enough to make me consider wanting to be with him. And I have NEVER felt more comfortable with a man in my life. Part of me wants to just say fuck it and embrace the open affection and companionship this one offers. But at the same time I don’t think I would be happy knowing we would never have children together. I could probably live without marriage (I don’t want the big, fancy wedding anyway).
Have I mentioned my love life is a mess and that I really suck at relationships? Yeah….
Today was my last day of school for 6 weeks!! For the last 7 weeks I was in school from 7 (or 8 ) am til 4 (or 5) pm. Ethan had soccer twice a week this summer, which meant we didn’t get home until 8 pm a couple of days a week. To say I am exhausted would be an understatement. Except it’s really a mental exhaustion- so I just sound like an idiot when trying to form coherent sentences and I forget things a lot.
You might be wondering what I crazy gal like myself will be doing for the next 6 weeks. Well let me tell you. It’s very exciting stuff. I will be working. Time to play financial catch-up and hopefully get a little ahead. Fortunately, I’ll mostly be working for my dad so hours are completely at my discretion and if I want to take a long weekend to go to the beach? I totally can. If only I could afford it! We will be heading to the beach, it will just be for the weekend so I don’t miss work.
My oh my this is a dull post. I’m gonna see if I can get some sleep tonight…wish me luck…if this last week is any indicator, I’ll need it.
- Where this bruise under my eye came from
- How I got a bruise on my nipple
- What I did to my ankles
- What I did to my neck
- How I got back to my man’s house
So Friday was an interesting night…I wish I could remember how it all went down.